Help! My Mom Is Dying. All She Can Think About Is That She Finally Reached Her Goal Weight. (2024)

Each week in the Tuesday column, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped. She’ll post her final thoughts on the matter on Fridays.

Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks toSue, Free2BMe, Alex, Keeping It Real, Always Learning, SmalleyJo, and JMOfor their ideas!

Dear Prudence,

My mom was a size two my whole life, but constantly on a diet trying to get down to the size she was when she met my dad. She’s in her early 70s, and a few months of persistent pain turned into a string of medical appointments and a too-late cancer diagnosis. She’s now in hospice. I think my problem is that I need to come to terms with this—it all happened so quickly. But I’m focused on her eating and the way she talks so transparently about it now to not just me but my 11 and 12-year-old daughters.

She’s tiny now from illness, and constantly talks (without irony) about how she’s delighted to finally hit her goal weight. Hospice nurses explicitly tell her she can have anything she wants: dressing on her salad, a beer with breakfast, cigarettes, whatever. But she’s still dieting. She’s dying and can diet if she feels like it but I’m irrationally angry that she won’t even have cream in her coffee (which used to be a birthday treat for her) when it doesn’t matter. Honestly, I’d even be relieved if she took up smoking again, just to have an indulgence. How do I let this go? And how do I talk about it to my kids, who definitely knew she had some weird thoughts about food but are now getting the unfiltered version from my childhood live and in color? I want to make some good memories before her death, and I know I can’t if I keep harping on food. Why is she making herself suffer more than she has to?

—An Ice Cream Cone Is Fine

Dear an Ice Cream Cone Is Fine,

This is such a heartbreaking situation, and the response I received when I shared your letter with Dear Prudence readers and asked for help were full of compassion for you (and your mom!) and really touching. You won’t be surprised to learn that no one presented a plan for convincing her to get over her fear of salad dressing or to stop caring about her weight. Nor did anyone have a perfect answer to, “How do I let this go?” But reading through some of the advice—including from people who have been in your position—it became clear to me that the more you’re able to let go of the fantasy of forcing your mom to stop harping on food so you two can enjoy her final days, the more likely you are to access the peace and positive memory-making that you want so badly:

Sue: I’ve been dealing with this issue with my aunt for some time, and, having been in treatment for an eating disorder myself, it can be really tough. I finally resigned myself to the fact that I cannot change the mentality she’s had for 80 years, that being thin is one of the most important things a woman can strive to be. No matter how often I tell her she doesn’t need to lose weight, that she can eat both lunch AND dinner, and that she will end up back in the hospital if she doesn’t start eating, she is who she is. I just support her as best I can, make mealtimes normal and easy, and do my best not to take her mentality personally.

Free2BMe: Your mom is dying and I’m so sorry. I can tell you love your mom very much by the fact you’d like to see her treated in her final days, even if that’s just with simple cream in coffee. You seem to have a really clear picture of what your mom has done/is doing with regard to food, and frankly like so many things our families do/believe, this one isn’t changing because you wish it to. Even if you use what little time you have left to talk about it.

Alex: Oh, I can totally see my mother in this letter, and I can imagine how frustrating this must be, I’m so sorry. Maybe it would be helpful to remember that disordered eating is often the result of both 1) all the sh*tty parts of society that equate thinness with value/virtue, etc. AND 2) a deep psychological need for control in the face of the chaos and uncertainty of life. I bet that as your mother confronts her end-of-life fears, feeling like she has some power and control over this particular aspect of her life is giving her more comfort than an “indulgence”would. As sad as it is, she is well past fixing her relationship with food. Try to extend some sympathy towards her while focusing your efforts on modeling healthier attitudes for your kids.

Keeping It Real: Do not fixate on this issue. The Mom has been dieting her entire life; not sure why, but she is not trying to change, and if she really is happy to have reached her goal weight due to cancer. The mom really has a severe mental health problem—body dysmorphia is real. So, grieve the loss of the mom you wish you had now, so when the time comes, you will be able to grieve the loss of your Mom.

I thought it was helpful that some of the readers who wrote in placed your mom’s issues in the context of our larger culture and the generation she’s part of. She’s definitely not the only one who’s like this. That doesn’t make them any less sad, but remembering that might make you feel less alone and less like this is something you can even try to control.

Some of the most helpful advice was about how to discuss this with your children.

Always Learning: Being focused on changing your mother at this age or really any age is fruitless. Her identity is based on her weight and size. For so many generations of women, their value was the scale. While it’s super uncomfortable and unfortunate that your daughters are present for this, it could open up some amazing conversations. Letting your girls talk about what they are seeing with Grandma and what she values. Talking about the fact that we all have the choice as to where we will source our value. If my value comes solely from external sources: my career, my looks/weight, my financial status, my relational status (married/not married), etc. I will always be in jeopardy of losing myself/my value. So many people really struggle when they retire because their entire value was based on “what they did” versus “who they are as a person.” The same goes for athletes and beauty/weight. But, if you asked your girls about their grandma’s character—is she funny, witty, loving, compassionate, or determined?—you might help them see her real value.

Another part of the conversation is pondering where Grandma got the message that her value was her weight. We get messages in so many different places. And then we elevate them. Grandma’s situation is a gift for your girls. What messages will they give value to? What will they source their value on? And finally, how do we love someone who is human, flawed, and maybe a little stuck? (That might be the most important conversation because we all are human, flawed, and get stuck…but how do we love ourselves in the struggle?) P.S. I think it’s really great that you recognize that your mom’s weight stuff is toxic but are not removing your daughters. There is so much learning there, and time is short.)

SmalleyJo: How do you let this go? How do I talk to my kids? Why is she making this harder than she has to? I think your questions might be best answered in reverse order than asked. That she’s making it harder is an insight into the depth of her eating disorder. An intense, lifelong obsession with being ultra-thin. Body dysmorphia so severe that a size two as she aged wasn’t good enough. How incredibly happy she feels now to have lived to achieve her goal. She most likely feels triumphant and wants everyone to know. And that’s how to talk to your kids—age appropriately explain that Grandma has an eating disorder, has unhealthy behaviors and beliefs around food, and that she’s very sick. But it’s good for her that she feels happiness around her weight and so we are all going to respect her decision to deprive herself. And that is how you let it go. It’s her decision to be a size 0 or 24, to not smoke or chain smoke. Whatever she wants to do now is up to her—she’s in charge. Celebrate with her—I’m happy for you Mom, we all love you! Whatever you want to eat or not eat, all good with us! And then spend time making memories the best you can. If this is a real struggle, please seek therapy with a counselor who specializes in eating disorders. Sending love to you!

JMO: I run into a similar problem all the time when I want to share media (movies, music etc.) or personal stories with my school-age kids from times and situations that don’t match our family’s or current societal values. My approach is to be honest about the values of the era, what I know about their foundations/rationale, and why (in my opinion) we have all moved on from them. Then we can still get our enjoyment from the situation without endorsing inappropriate ideas (like dieting culture and body shaming). Have a chat with your kids about the world their grandmother grew up in and why she felt her appearance was her most important asset. Try to model sympathy for the reasons that she thinks the way she does, even if you don’t agree with her.

Free2BMe: Your mom is dying and it’s out of both of your hands; all that’s left is to honor her wishes, let her keep her dignity (and sense of control) and when she is no more, have the talk (and the treats!) with your children you wish to have had with your mother. Give generous pats on the back to those kiddos for recognizing unhealthy patterns about restriction and view of self. Put some cream in your coffee (or whatever you fancy) and share the good memories of Grandma.

Keeping It Real: … As for the grandkids, let them know in a child-friendly way that their grandmother has had a mental health condition for her entire life that has kept her from having a healthy view of herself, and help them to see themselves in an emotionally healthy way.

Sue: As for your children, I think it’s important to stress to them how difficult being a woman in society has historically been, and that they are so lucky to live in a time when they do not have to starve themselves to have worth, that their health and happiness is so much more important. If they understand that a lot of your mother’s illness (because it is an illness) is because of the unfair and unrealistic expectations that were put on her, hopefully, you’ll find that they feel that pressure less, and that they have more compassion. As women, we need to be compassionate to one another about this issue, because regardless of race, socioeconomic status, or even nationality, this is something that has affected all of us in one way or another, and that is really tragic. But to make things better for the next generation, talking about it openly and honestly is really crucial. Your mother may not ever hear or understand it, but your daughters will!

I found these suggestions kind of inspiring. While your situation undeniably involves a lot of sadness and some level of acceptance about the way your mom has chosen to live and how that won’t change, it also represents an opportunity to share your values with your children and set them on a better path (one that hopefully involves cream in coffee, if that’s something they like).